My greatest fear used to be my body dying and still being conscious…at least that is what I always told myself. It was the one thing that without fail would send me into a panic spiral…but I think what I really feared was my own inability to cope with the idea of being alone, truly alone forever. I like my solitude but I also need human connection.

What really amuses me about these realizations is the more sick I get, the stronger, emotionally, I get. I have practically bullet proof self-esteem right now. I am more comfortable in my broken body than I ever was even at my healthiest.

I for the first time in my life really could not care what my mother thinks of me or anyone really. I just want to change the way the world and people think about themselves. I see the world differently. I appreciate the people in my life more, I am more free with my love, but am willing to put up with less.

My opinions are strong but I am not closed minded I am open to being wrong but will fight when I know I am not.

I love more strongly and deeper and am not afraid to express it. I’m also less inclined to put up with people in my life who have shown no real interest or care in my wellbeing and am less inclined to continually reach out only to get nothing in return, especially from those in my life who really should be reaching out to me.

I realize I out in public don’t present as ill, I was trained well, to hold it in and pretend to be okay. I plaster on a smile so as not to bum out those around me or make them worry. To make my kids not worry and make sure they get to have as normal a life as possible. I am not exaggerating my symptoms, or struggles in fact if anything I understate them.

My shoulders yesterday and today feel like I have razor wire wrapped through and around the joint every time I move it feels like something is slicing a nerve and ripping tender flesh causing excruciating pain, but I still feed my children take care of them and the pets. I wake up do what I can when I can sit in the living room and pretend to be a capable human because I don’t know how else to be. I drop little posts about pain because if I don’t I crack. People keep telling me I need to let others know more often.

The problem with that is when you are mentally suppressing pain; when I admit to how bad it is out loud it actually makes it hard to convince my brain to suppress it. It’s like when you are holding your bladder and you’re doing okay. Until suddenly you are near a bathroom and you think oh thank god and suddenly you have to run or you will pee your pants, you know that bathroom is near and nothing you say or do will shut that signal from your brain off.

The fact that I can do this. The fact that I spend a good 8-9 hours a day forcing my pain into submission so I can maintain some semblance of a typical life. That makes me strong.

I know I am strong. When I have a moment when I can’t answer questions or have major spelling errors that’s not stupidity that’s my mind being busy managing my pain, and that’s more important than spelling or anything else really, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t not let it spill through somehow.

Some people see through it; those who do the same thing and commiserate with me in my pain. Some who just are really good at seeing through it and are sensitive to others. For example, I had a little pain spike on Halloween night and a girl I had only met one time before suddenly got very concerned for me and made sure I knew if I needed something to ask her.

Some people just don’t want to see it or don’t care and that’s fine those are the people who I will not rely on or waste too much of my energies on.

My life isn’t measured in quantity of people in my life. My life will be measured in how I live it. What I learn, and what I do with what I learn. I will continue to get stronger willed and more mouthy. My body getting weaker just gives me more ability to concentrate on the bigger picture. On what is right. On what is wrong and what I can do, in my small way to help. I may be losing a battle with my body, I may have moments of fear, pain and depression, but don’t count me out. Or do that will just leave me with one less draw on my resources.

My strength isn’t endless, but it is not going anywhere anytime soon.


What is wrong with you


So it had been recently brought to my attention that many of you don’t know what exactly is wrong with me and would like to know. If you are one of the people who wants to know read on…

If not feel free to skip this one. There is a lot of personal information in here that may make you uncomfortable. I am trying to live life as an open book, but that doesn’t mean you have to turn the pages. My last doctor demanded that I stop internalizing my pain and issues because it was just making things worse so I’m trying to talk about it and be open so I can get the help I need and find answers.

I have had a slew of little things that add up to a lot since I was young. Stomach issues, headaches, issues with reproductive health, low blood pressure, anemia, ear infections sinus infections strep throat, easily sprained ankles, chronic illnesses that took way too long to get over and would return if I went out and about before fully healing, and back issues and joint issues that most have just chalked up to how active I was as a youth (martial arts horseback ridding, gymnastics, ballet, tap, belly dancing, volunteering at the Zoo and youth shelters etc…

I’ve had CT MRI’s cameras shoved up and in most of my orifices and so much blood drawn it would make a vampire obese.

So far medical science is kind of stumped by me. So far I defiantly have a hiatal hernia(a part of my stomach is shoved up into my esophagus causing eating to be hard and sometimes very painful) Diverticulitis, and a mild case of Chrones Disease. I did have Celiac but I’m in remission witch is a freaking miracle only 2% of people get celiac and maybe 1% of that 2% will go into remission, Thankfull for small blessings(and to be 100% honest medical marijuana, my GI doctor is pretty sure that is what got me to remission). Non GI issues are: a couple herniated disks, sciatica, both rotator cuffs are destroyed, soft tissue degeneration in almost all my joints , which also pop and dislocate at the drop of a hat. Polycystic ovaries (almost every time I ovulate I get excruciating cysts tha t can either pop on their own which is kind of like what it would feel like if a tiny grenade were to explode inside your abdomen) Sometimes I get a month off sometimes I have multiple on both sides. I also have endometriosis (the tissue that sloughs and renews itself in my uterus is damaged and causes scaring in my uterus) Doctors have had me on multiple birth controls for since I was probably 12 or 11 to try to make it possible to have children which I did but now I am resistant to synthetic hormones so most BC’s don’t work and IUD’s cause sever hemorrhaging and my uterus is prolapsing (collapsing and trying to turn itself inside out)…so basically the only time my reproductive system isn’t completely screwing me over with pain is maybe a 2-3 day period between ovulation and when PMDD kicks in which I also have.

As well as at my last eye appointment my doctor noticed pretty sever macular degeneration in just a year which is a warning sign of many different things and means I need to get tested for MS at some point soon.

When tested for Lupus and Fibro the results come back as inconclusive. Which means I have some of the markers and most of the symptoms so it is not a definitive diagnosis but still a possibility.

My big thing that actually could explain all of the above is EDS. My old doctor, after I brought it up and she did some research, is pretty sure I have EDS. I don’t have a formal diagnosis because I’m waiting for our permanent (fingers crossed) insurance to kick in because if this is the case (which my last doctor and I are pretty sure is the case) there are going to be some very hard things ahead.

EDS is complicated it was discovered not too long ago by two doctors named Ehlers & Danlos, it is named after them: EDS = Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. The quick and dirty explanation is that on a cellular level the glue that holds everything together in me is defective and will only deteriorate more as time goes by. I’m pretty literally falling apart. There are three types of EDS you can have one or many or a combination. I check all the boxes on two types and have some of the third.

What does this mean for me and how I interact with life? Well, I am always in pain. Every second of every day. There are varying degrees of this pain but it is constant. I have learned to live with a base line of pain because I have had no other choice but to do so.

However more and more it builds up and I am less able to push through the pain…and in all reality I should not be pushing through the pain because this just speeds the process. However I am at a point where I understand time is precious and I want and need to do all the things I can safely do.

Some of the things I have to look forward to are the rest of my organs trying to prolapse so having to remove all unnecessary organs before it is impossible due to my tissues being defective and not healing well and the risk of bleeding out from anemia. Being confined to a wheel chair in possibly the next year or two. There are very few treatments for this it is possible that Chemo may come in to pla there are some cases that have had good results but it is still too early to understand how effective it is in the long run and if there are any lasting effects… but I have to get into a specialist first.

There are some forms of therapy that can help but mostly it’s all about trying to maintain mobility as long as possible and trying to keep the pain at manageable levels and it is very much on a case to case basis. There is a very good chance that this could kill me in the long run

So life is kind of hard right now. I still fight for normalcy in my life and try to maintain a bright outlook and attitude for my children and my own sanity. I fight for good in this world because what I really want out of life…is to leave the world a better place than it was during my time here.

It’s a lot to take in and a lot to deal with so I usually when people ask how I’m doing even if try to be honest it’s still just the cliff notes version. It’s hard to talk about and articulate so I tried to write it down and there is still a bit missing but this is probably the most complete answer to “What is wrong with you anyways” that I can give.







I haven’t posted in a while. So seeing as it is the day after Gay Pride I thought I’d write a little about my personal sexuality, my gender identity and how it all contributes to my feminist views. As well as my philosophy on love, life and discrimination. I never really did the whole coming out thing so I guess this is it in a way.

Let’s start with the easiest; which unfortunately isn’t always easy for others, Sexuality. Out of all the flavors available out there, I identify most with Pansexuality. The basic idea is you fall in love with people regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. You do not limit yourself to a set group of individual types or gender specifics. In short: hearts, not parts.

This way has been my view for as long as I can remember; before I could put a name to it, or there was a name for. It I never understood why you had to choose. Why you would want to limit your heart? I fall in love with individuals for who they are not what they are. The scope of life and individuals and how they chose to live their lives is so vast. I happened to fall love completely I just never saw the logic of narrowing the field to just one option. What if the person who fits me best was eliminated by my choice?…So I never chose… and never will. I happen to have fallen in love with a wonderful man and married him. So I have the privileges of being seen by most as heterosexual, and get none of the hardships of living an LGBT lifestyle…until I open my mouth that is.


Gender identity… this one is hard. Now that we understand that there are more options than binary, it opens up all kinds of options. For years I laughingly described myself as “a dude with tits… without the excess equipment”. My mentality tends to lean to the masculine side but I am also highly emotional and love to wear make-up and do many typically girly things. I would like to identify as gender fluid. Sometimes I’m more one aspect. Sometimes I’m the other. Most times I’m a blend of both. It’s really hard to explain in detail. I for a long time just thought the way I am is the norm; but after having several conversations with transgendered friends I realize, while yes lots of people feel this way it’s not necessarily the norm. I feel gender fluid is the best category to explain my gender identity, but still not quite right.


Now many out there have this mentality that putting labels on things dehumanizes us and causes problems. I disagree. Having categories and names allows us to not only identify and understand our selves but gives us a way to try to better understand each other. Unfortunately, yes, it does also give others a way to say “that’s different so it’s bad”.

I feel the way to change discrimination based on differences is not to ignore the differences or pretend we are all exactly the same; but to embrace the fact that we are all different. No two person are exactly the same. It’s our differences that make us human, and special. We are special unique snowflakes every one of us. That doesn’t give us a reason to be superior. It gives us reasons to be sympathetic. If you choose to hate based on your differences then you will only end up hating everyone.

No one’s perceptions of the world is even the same. Take for instance the color blue. Now because of how my brain is wired and the color receptors in my eyes, the shade and hue of blue that I see will not be the same as it is for anyone else. This for me is a perfect metaphor for life. Now think about people who are color blind. It just adds another layer of how completely unalike we all are…even down to the smallest of details. This makes true equality almost impossible. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. When it comes to rights and kindness EVERYONE should be treated exactly the same. When it comes to special treatment it should be on the basis of need. Whether you work for it, can’t get by without it, or have been systematically oppressed by our biased system for years (if not centuries) and thus need extra assistance to put you on equal footing with those who have always had basic rights and privileges.

As a non-binary gender and sexuality I am not exactly the same as everyone. I never was, and I never will be. I was born a woman and identify in a large part as a woman. So I am a feminist. Why?… because I am intimately aware of how gender bias has affected my life. I am treated differently as a female. Not in the sense of an individual, but solely based on the fact that I am perceived as female… and thus less–than. If not on a large scale, in a million tiny ways each day. That is not a healthy way for a society to function.

My feminist manifesto, so to speak: equality through individuality. Do not judge me solely by your perception of me, but as a human. Treat me with decency and respect because yes we are all human. Form your opinion of me my capabilities my short coming and faults based on what I prove to be true about myself. I am worthy of consideration regardless of my gender.

Until that is a reality; yes, we still need activism, protests, riots, and parades. We still need to fight. While yes strides have been made, we are not at an end point in anyway. Our society does not follow the humanist ideal. So even if you are a “humanist” who believes all people should be treated equally. You should be able to look around at your fellow humans and see that the world needs work in many areas.

Not a fun subject matter… but it needs to be said.


So I keep seeing people freaking out about sonograms/ultrasounds being required for abortions. That they are unnecessary While I agree that descriptions should not be required as some states are trying to do. Neither should the patient have to look at the screen or even have the screen with in view. There are some pretty valid safety reasons for having an imaging procedure prior to a D&E.

A standard pregnancy test can not tell you if a pregnancy is ectopic. Like wise a standard D&E will not resolve the issue of an ectopic pregnancy.

Ectopic pregnancies are very dangerous and can be fatal if not caught in  timely manner. They are not as rare as many may think. There are other serious issues that can arise during the procedure so having a doctor who actually has an idea of the layout is a good thing.

Is it a fun thing to have to have done on top of a really not fun procedure? No, but it is just one more step to ensure that you survive it all. Anyone can have an ectopic pregnancy. Anyone. In fact a friend of mine is in surgery right now because she was stupid and got a back alley abortion. She was raped and was too ashamed and scared to report it and get real help and an idiot gave her the info for an OBG who had lost their license but was doing abortions for $40 a pop.

It all went okay… You know except they didn’t do an ultrasound and the pregnancy was ectopic. Oh and she got an infection from it being a non sterile environment. Then of course she waited till the last possible second to go to the doctor cause she was afraid and more ashamed now about getting a cheap dirty abortion. She is in the hospital fighting for her life right now.

Please stop fighting the mandatory ultrasound/sonogram with abortion. It really can save lives… and really wouldn’t you rather be uncomfortable for 5more minutes then find out the whole ordeal was pointless and now your life is in serious danger?

Also for fucks sakes stop trying to get rid of abortion. All it does is make the safe options go away. There always have been, and always will be people with rudimentary skills and no scruples more than willing to break the law and make a buck providing services that society has deemed taboo.

While we’re at it can we stop perpetuating a society where we shame and vilify victims of rape. Making them feel like they don’t have any safe options? This is not a society I care to live in anymore

A sad day… for everyone


Tonight I am sad. I am sad because a grand jury gave indisputable proof that not only is our justice system fatally flawed but racism has too hard of a grip on our nation.

I am a Caucasian mother of two blond haired little girls. I do not have the same fears for my girls that the mother of a black boy will have. I will, because they are girls have a whole different set of unfair worries. It’s too much. This sliding scale of inequity. This idea that one life has more meaning because of the color of their skin. It has to be stopped. A boy can’t even walk home unnamed and be safe from being shot repeatedly, and once that happens there will be no justice. No closure for the parents. No sense that at least someone will pay for killing their baby boy. Not even a hope that someone will be punished in any real way.

I want to scream and stomp make my voice heard. Let it be known that this is not acceptable. instead I will cry… and I will write and I will make damn sure that my girls no that we are all equal skin color, nationality, gender etc do not change your worth as a human being and never should.

My thoughts are with those who are directly affected, with those who are not directly affected but feel the hurt that this decision will cause. I hope that the aftermath causes a change for the good. That no more innocent lives are lost in vain.



Recharging my bateries


I went into the mountains this weekend. To celebrate the birthday of a dear friend and to have some time out in nature with some great people.

I am nigh on a hermit The girls are a handful to start, then there are my health issues. So my usual excursions into the world consist of things for the children, Costco, Target, and Doctors appointments. When I am not feeling like defrosted poop I try to get out and do something once month but that doesn’t always pan out. So this weekend was much-needed social interaction.

My friends cabin. Is a family retreat built by her family it has plumbing and electricity a full kitchen…but no internet access very limited cell service, no TV. We make our own fun and actually interacted with each other!

There is something about the environment a good ways up into the mountains right next the river. Fully taking advantage of our Pacific North west location. It’s breathtaking. I always find going out into nature so invigorating. This time was no different.

I spend two nights up there with some really great people. It was the perfect combination of personalities and environment for some great conversations and top-notch memories. Friday and Saturday night were all about the food and socializing me a couple of people managed to stay up till 4 playing a game called cards against humanity with the 3rd party expansion packs by crabs adjust humidity hours and hours of demented hilarious fun.


If you have never played Cards Against Humanity go to this link print out the printable pack give it a try. If you like it; which most do, then buy it. The main set and the bigger blacker box are a must. I would try to get every expansion you can get your hands on as well. The more cards the more opportunities you have to show your friends how truly demented you are and visa versa. New expansions and even the beginning set do sell out so grab what you can and check back regularly for new stuff


Even after going to sleep so late I was still up at before 9 I did a little clean up and started a pot of coffee for the coffee drinkers went and sat by the river and just took in the beauty of my surroundings in the crisp morning air. Then just quietly read for a while with the occasional break for a chat or to love on the adorable 1yr old malamute puppy (whom was the best behaved dog ever and I am now completely in love with) that belonged to a great couple that I got to meet on this excursion

I feel recharged. Now that I’m home, a suburban neighborhood of Greater Seattle. I appreciate my life here more. I feel lighter than when I left Friday. Like several pounds of stress has been lifted off my shoulders. The drudgery and frustrations I felt the last week. They don’t seem so big of a deal today. I missed my husband the kids (both fur and fleshy) something fierce but I came back to them a much more chill centered and functional mommy. So I think totally worth the short-term separation.

My back is absolutely killing due to unconventional or rustic seating and my already broken body… but I figure it’s a small price to pay for emotional well being



The windows in the morning

What I’ve learned on my mini break:

There are amazing people in the world talk to them learn new things

I need a jaunt through nature at least once a month even if it’s just a day drive through The Pass or to The Falls. Something where I can, and will, be able to recharge my emotional and physical batteries on nature. I need it.

I need to set aside some time each day for myself where I’m not plugged in to something electronic.

I say it every time I go to a cabin up in mountains but this time I really mean it. Someday I will have a cabin of my own!

I am demented but all the best people are

Oatmeal Dream Bars


I woke up with the desire  to bake but nothing I had a recipe for was satisfying my yen. So I decided to modify a recipe I had and modify it to fit my desires. This came out of  basic oatmeal peanut butter bar recipe and my devious mind.


2cups brown sugar

1/2 cup butter

1 1/3 cup chocolate hazelnut butter

1 1/2 cup gf oats

1/2 cup gf baking flour

1/2 cup almond flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

14oz sweetened condensed milk

1 cup sliced or chopped almonds.

First cream butter and brown sugar. Then slowly combine hazel nut butter, flours, baking soda, and oats. Once the mixture is well combined press evenly into a greased 8×12 pan. Bake at 350 for 5min pull out and pour condensed milk evenly over the top and put back into the oven for 10 min or sprinkle almond on top and back for 2 additional minutes or until milk looks like caramel and almonds are golden

When you go looking for evil that is what you find


I’ve reached a breaking point. I really want to write a blog about what is going on with the whole #GamerGate fiasco and the  implications. I got into a conversation today and yesterday that really disturbed me. There are a lot of people who seem to think this issue is only about video games. That is so not the case.

This is not about throwing fits over gaming reviews and gamer rights. It’s about how women are being treated. The stream of vile profanities, abuse, and threats being flung at these women. Not just in private but all over the internet. These women’s lives are being eviscerated, because a few guys don’t like their points of view. I’ll get into it more later but now this is about the fall out from research.

There is so much out there on the things these women and their families are being put through. When you did deeper and you look for more it’s everywhere. The things that people do. The names called. The things done to children. I can’t help but feel that we have failed as a culture as whole the human race has failed. Failed to be basically good.

I’m going to try to weed through all the information and give you a cohesive picture of what is wrong. Of where we need to change and how to move forward. I fear it will take longer to crank it out than I thought, but I am committed to this. I think this is so important and I don’t want to fall short on this. Humanity is scary.

I am a mean mommy, and I’m okay with that!


This article first came to my attention when a friend tagged me on facebook I was over joyed! I’m trying to raise my kids to be better than me. More considerate, responsible, kind, respectful, and in the long run ,fingers crossed, happier. Instead of trying to shield them from the inevitable the hurt, and the disappointment. I talk to them and let them know it is part of life and it’s okay. Mistakes teach us. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell your kid “no” or upset them. What happens when that child grows up? When that child no longer is a child and has never learned how to deal with disappointment? When they get their first job and things do go their way what will happen?

There seems to be this influx of parenting advice that says don’t say anything negative. Do not punish or correct your child they will naturally do the right thing. Your child will innately know the proper way to behave…I’m sorry but on what planet does that work? Okay yes on occasion you will find that child. That golden child, that innately will be a wonderful person with out being corrected or told what to do. The illusive what I like to call the “Matilda”. A child so overwhelmed by good and brilliance that she is magical and can grow up to be this perfect being even if raised by the worst neglectful parents ever.

Hate to bust your bubbles but that is not going to work with every child. next time you are out in public look around you are you surrounded by exact copies that behave perfectly and never make a mistake? NO! We as adults are not perfect. We don’t have out emotions all figured out yet we expect kids to magically know right from wrong. Or magically know when the right time is for anything? They are little humans with nothing but what you give them teach them empathy and they’ll have it. Let it come to them and it may never happen.

There is a reason why kids need school. It is so they can learn things that they don’t already know. What your job as a parent is to teach them the other things like self control, courtesy, empathy, manners. Many of these school will also help with but that doesn’t mean you, as a parent, are off the hook.

They are your kids and every kid is different I have two and they couldn’t be more different and each requires a different approach to different things. As a parent it is your job to find the balance your kid needs and to try and provide the learning experiences and find ways to fill gaps when they appear. Life skills are not things that appear out of thin air. It is something you have to cultivate. Set ground rules. Allow your child to have disappointments The ups and downs of life are what help them learn and grow as human beings. Not space to make their own decisions for their future, at three years old…that is unless you lucked out a got a Matilda…Other wise you are the adult you make the decisions, sure give them options. Options are great! However you give the options to the child. You have the life experience and are ready to make these decisions. Do not make your child the decision maker.

Be a mean parent. Set rules. Say no. Let them get disappointed every once in a while. Teach them manners and have fun with it. Heck I tell Sparkle & Boo “Hey not everyone thinks you are as adorable as I. So lets remember our manners” or “Okay no one needs to know exactly how weird we are so lets pretend to be well behaved while we are out” to remind them of their behavior. It doesn’t have to be stuffy but it does have to happen…again unless you are parenting a magical perfect child created by the mind of Roald Dahl

Big Boob Blues


So on a forum where I’m a fairly regular contributer, someone posted a subject titled “Underwear”. In this post she extoled the tribulations of finding cute matching bra’s and panties at a reasonable price. She woefully wrote that Victoria Secret stuff while cute she just couldn’t see spending $30 for a cute bra. That got me all up in arms. I can’t shop at Victoria Secrets and would kill to be able to spend only $30 on a cute bra. I am a 32DDDD, 32FF or 32G it’s all the same really. However not a size usually found in nature apearantly. When you do find bra’s there isn’t a lot of choice. They are $60-80 unless you want to order online from a foreign website. Seriously having big boobs sucks.

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