Irony

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My greatest fear used to be my body dying and still being conscious…at least that is what I always told myself. It was the one thing that without fail would send me into a panic spiral…but I think what I really feared was my own inability to cope with the idea of being alone, truly alone forever. I like my solitude but I also need human connection.

What really amuses me about these realizations is the more sick I get, the stronger, emotionally, I get. I have practically bullet proof self-esteem right now. I am more comfortable in my broken body than I ever was even at my healthiest.

I for the first time in my life really could not care what my mother thinks of me or anyone really. I just want to change the way the world and people think about themselves. I see the world differently. I appreciate the people in my life more, I am more free with my love, but am willing to put up with less.

My opinions are strong but I am not closed minded I am open to being wrong but will fight when I know I am not.

I love more strongly and deeper and am not afraid to express it. I’m also less inclined to put up with people in my life who have shown no real interest or care in my wellbeing and am less inclined to continually reach out only to get nothing in return, especially from those in my life who really should be reaching out to me.

I realize I out in public don’t present as ill, I was trained well, to hold it in and pretend to be okay. I plaster on a smile so as not to bum out those around me or make them worry. To make my kids not worry and make sure they get to have as normal a life as possible. I am not exaggerating my symptoms, or struggles in fact if anything I understate them.

My shoulders yesterday and today feel like I have razor wire wrapped through and around the joint every time I move it feels like something is slicing a nerve and ripping tender flesh causing excruciating pain, but I still feed my children take care of them and the pets. I wake up do what I can when I can sit in the living room and pretend to be a capable human because I don’t know how else to be. I drop little posts about pain because if I don’t I crack. People keep telling me I need to let others know more often.

The problem with that is when you are mentally suppressing pain; when I admit to how bad it is out loud it actually makes it hard to convince my brain to suppress it. It’s like when you are holding your bladder and you’re doing okay. Until suddenly you are near a bathroom and you think oh thank god and suddenly you have to run or you will pee your pants, you know that bathroom is near and nothing you say or do will shut that signal from your brain off.

The fact that I can do this. The fact that I spend a good 8-9 hours a day forcing my pain into submission so I can maintain some semblance of a typical life. That makes me strong.

I know I am strong. When I have a moment when I can’t answer questions or have major spelling errors that’s not stupidity that’s my mind being busy managing my pain, and that’s more important than spelling or anything else really, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t not let it spill through somehow.

Some people see through it; those who do the same thing and commiserate with me in my pain. Some who just are really good at seeing through it and are sensitive to others. For example, I had a little pain spike on Halloween night and a girl I had only met one time before suddenly got very concerned for me and made sure I knew if I needed something to ask her.

Some people just don’t want to see it or don’t care and that’s fine those are the people who I will not rely on or waste too much of my energies on.

My life isn’t measured in quantity of people in my life. My life will be measured in how I live it. What I learn, and what I do with what I learn. I will continue to get stronger willed and more mouthy. My body getting weaker just gives me more ability to concentrate on the bigger picture. On what is right. On what is wrong and what I can do, in my small way to help. I may be losing a battle with my body, I may have moments of fear, pain and depression, but don’t count me out. Or do that will just leave me with one less draw on my resources.

My strength isn’t endless, but it is not going anywhere anytime soon.